Pirates of the Caribbean: Hopefully at Movie’s End
When Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl came out a few years ago, it drew a lot of attention before its release. There were posters and banners everywhere and people were just starting to really fall in love with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp on a mass scale. I remember being semi-excited for its release, so much so that I decided to run a late night with some of my friends. As it turns out, I wasn’t a very big fan of the movie. Overall it was a pretty big mess with poor writing and incredibly sloppy, haphazard action scenes. On the other hand, it had some moments that were made bearable by Johnny Depp’s delivery or reactions. All in all, I could at least understand what made it an appealing movie for a mass audience. It had action, swashbuckling, romance, humor, loud music and swashbuckling action. After all, it is pretty tough to screw up a movie about pirates right? All you need is a pirate ship and some swashbuckling.
Well, when the second installment of the trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Dead Man’s Chest, came out last summer, the population of planet Earth was buzzing with angst over the opportunity to see what was to come for their favorite miscreants on the open seas. And people should have been excited. The first movie left everyone with a good, fan friendly ending that left everyone wanting more. The movie proved to be a huge success, surpassing Spider-man for first place all time for and opening weekend. So, I coaxed myself into seeing this movie thinking, “Maybe they learned something from their problems in the first movie and made this one better.” At the very least, I knew looking at Keira Knightley for a couple of hours is always a good time. Unfortunately for me, staring at Keira Knightley was the only part of the movie that brought me any joy (I also think she may have forgotten how to not overact during the filming of this movie). The movie was too long and even more disheveled than the first. On the bright side however, it was only the first part of what really was one movie split into two halves. Anytime this happens you’re bound to experience a bit of a let down before you see the full picture right? And after all, it is pretty tough to screw up a movie about pirates right? All you need is a pirate ship and some swashbuckling.
Well, as many of you know, a few days ago, the third and final section of the trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, was released amid a huge month at the box office. Spider-man 3 had already reclaimed the highest opening weekend title and Shrek the Third was opening with enormous numbers as well. Pirates 3 also had a huge four day weekend, proving that people were still fascinated to see what these lovable sailors were up to. I also heard the call of the cinema, drawing me in to see if this movie could be any better than the other two. Could Pirates 3 give a fulfilling end to the storyline? Could it supply good swashbuckling action with a dash of humor and romance? Could it at least clean itself up a bit and pass for a decent movie? To quote a better man than me, “There’s always a siren singing you to shipwreck” and the answer to all of these questions is a resounding no. This movie was more jumbled and poorly conceived than the other two. How is this possible you ask? For starters, Gore Verbinski is a terrible director. Seriously, he needs to go home and leave us all alone. Sure, he may have come up with the idea for the Budweiser frogs, but anyone with an IMDB page that consists of the three Pirates movies, The Ring, The Weather Man and The Mexican needs to take his money and go somewhere else. I don’t care where; he just needs to get away from me in any way possible. Second, this movie has absolutely no narrative. There simply is no plot. It goes to a fro between scenes with no semblance of timing, pace or reason. By the end of the movie I didn’t understand why some things were going on. For instance, why did Keira Knightley care about fighting on the side of the pirates? Was it just because her dad was dead, even though she didn’t know how or why? Do we even care? All I know is that somehow she randomly became the most intense pirate in the movie.
The first scene in the movie is a microcosm of exactly what is wrong with this movie and even the other two.
1. It is too long.
2. It is too slow, but then speeds up only to slow down again.
3. It has overly aggressive music.
4. It seems to have absolutely no point until all of a sudden the point appears after I’ve stopped caring.
The first scene is basically just a time waster, almost a little f#*@ you to the viewer. It seems like its only there to stall a bit until they give you the good stuff, just to prove that they can. Well, there really was no good stuff in this movie to get to unfortunately.
So apparently my question that I have repeated a few times, “After all, it is pretty tough to screw up a movie about Pirates right?” has a different answer than I would have originally guessed a few years ago. It appears a pirate movie can be royally screwed up. I guess you learn something new everyday. Or at least every time Gore Verbinski makes a pirate movie.
Grade: F
P.S. I didn’t enjoy anything in this movie
P.P.S. I would have given the first movie a C and the second movie a D. The second movie gets changed to an F now that I saw the whole thing. Terrible.
P.P.P.S. I have a great idea for an ABC spin-off TV show. Its called “Primates of the Caribbean” starring Jack the monkey as he sails around the open seas meeting people and getting into adventures. As these movies have proven, it doesn’t need to have a point to be well received.
The film really was way too long. I don’t hold that much enmity towards the Pirates series, but I never really found them to be quite as wonderous as the box office would indicate. I think I’d prefer rewatching The Mummy series over seeing these Pirates again.
Skittle me timbers! I still really like the first movie, I’d easily give it a B+ or A- because it was really one of those movies that (for me) came out of absolutely nowhere and I enjoyed it much more than I ever thought I would.
Really it seemed like they screwed up the second one enough that the third one would contain everything cool about pirates in a tightly wrapped 2 hour film. Then again I shouldn’t have expected much knowing that they filmed both in the same amount of time. It’s very easy to see the amount of time and effort put into each of the films. The films got flashier but they also got completely absurd and inane.
This film just seemed like a big “Let’s throw America’s film going audiences the bird and see how much money we can make” film. There was pretty much a total non-existence of plot, and as you said, the bit of plot that did squeak out was absolutely atrocious and left me completely alienated. The character didn’t develop from the first film, they were all diagnosed with severe schizophrenia and took on new personalities altogether. They took all the worst traits of the characters from the first film and let each character be devoured by those traits. The fact the film was 3 hours, yet a crew of pirates is able to sail to the end of the world in 10 minutes really confused me, especially if the title of the film is “At World’s End” not “Pirates of the Caribbean: Pirates Hold a Political Summit With Lots of Subplots Going On That No One Cares About While Other People Do Stuff.” I did somewhat enjoy the climactic battle with two ships firing away at each other regardless of the one scene that I’m pretty sure everyone that saw the film groaned at how painful it was to watch. Unfortunately, most of the swashbuckling and fighting in this film was incredibly poorly done with cuts too quick to allow me to follow what was going on or scenes that left me not caring at all about who was doing what in the middle of this battle.
I’m pretty sure Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer had a conversation that went something like this:
Jerry: Hey Gore.
Gore: I don’t really know what to do, this film needs to be longer or else people won’t think it’s epic and therefore it won’t get the respect it deserves.
Jerry: Hey Gore shut up you’re an idiot. I bet you $2,000,000 you can’t put 10 shots of Jack Sparrow swinging on rope in this film.
Gore: Make it $3,000,000 and I’ll also write 5 scenes that involve gags with Jack Sparrow that easily could’ve been cut down and emphasized the point even better.
Jerry: Deal! I guess we should put this random character into a subplot so that she can be an easy exposition device otherwise this movie might suck!
Gore: Who cares?! Our audience is dumb and they’ll pay to see anything and make us rich so we can keep making trash!
The sad thing is, when this movie comes out on DVD I’ll have forgotten how much I hated it and buy it or else I’ll end up buying it hoping that maybe it’s not as god awful as I remember.
Kevin,
If you didn’t like the first film, why in the hell would see the sequels? You’re such a mindless tool.You’re one of those guys who buys into the hype of a summer blockbuster movies no matter how shitty it is. You suck! I remember how psyched you were to see Van Helsing, then when it sucked big time, you were all depressed and went home to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy to make yourself feel better.
I liked the first Pirates, but I thoroughly despised the second one, mainly because it was too busy rehashing bits from the first film, while giving every friggin’ character and prop their own storyline. Seriously, the fuckin’ dog had its own storyline. It was utterly dreadful. I really have no desire to see the third Pirates, mainly because it’s three hours long, which means more pointless subplots and lame attempts at humor.
It’s a shame to know that Jack Sparrow will be Johnny Depp’s legacy when he retires from acting. If Johnny Depp were to die, I’m sure they would have a picture of Jack Sparrow next to his obituary.
In summary, At World’s End sucks, Shrek sucks, and you suck. Ha Ha Ha Ha!
What!?!?!?! Johhny Depp was in another movie??? He was born to play Sparrow. He was placed on this earth for OUR benefit. He’s a romp. He’s delightful. Dont ruin his legacy with talk of other roles. I don’t want to hear it. I’m tuning you out, Goggins. He’s OUR Han Solo. And I’ll bet his girlfriend treats him like shit, too.